Shortly after dinner time on November 14, 2010, I found myself squating over a stick in a less-than-clean bathroom. I remember saying out loud, "Please. Please." I can't be sure what I was praying for as the results slowly flooded over the pregnancy test. I know I wasn't necessarily wishing for any particular outcome, but rather that everything would be ok- that I would be ok.
And then, it appeared: A tiny blue plus sign in the window. For the briefest moment, the world stopped spinning while my life palpably changed forever. I stared at that plus sign as if it might start speaking to me any second before I quietly tiptoed out of the bathroom as if silence might help.
One year ago today, I woke up at 6 a.m. and waited for the University of Kentucky's Student Health Services to open so I could make an appointment, even though their phone lines weren't active until 9. They say the darkest part of the night is just before dawn, and I laid there in that darkness while crushing amounts of terror and excitement washed over me all at once. I remember those passing hours as if they were only this morning.
Finally, I made my way to Student Health only to pee in a cup and have someone walk up and say, "You're definitely pregnant." A kind, but stern middle-aged woman then sat me down in her office and handed me paper after paper on my different options before she pulled out a plastic model of the female reproductive system and explained exactly how an abortion works. Only a moment later, she explained to me what I need to look for in a prenatal vitamin and it hit me- This woman probably sees panicked, young, pregnant students all the time. It's her job to present every option and show no bias whatsoever.
I walked back out into that crisp, Fall day with my tiny hands clutching a fistful of papers and a new outlook on the world.
Though the fear was overwhelming, it was also the least alone I have ever felt in my life. There I was, still the same feisty, outgoing little fireball on the outside, no different from the day before. But on the inside, I held the most precious little secret I could ever have imagined. Every day from then on was a team effort within my body. I housed and nourished that little peanut, and in return she offered me the most sincere form of comfort.
One year ago today, when I was just over one month pregnant, I discovered that I would be a mother. At that time, my daughter was a tiny ball of cells, tissue and an inaudible heartbeat. Now, she's sleeping in her crib across the room from me. I can't even fathom where I'll be in another year...
You'll still always be the same sweet Kelly I always knew even with a baby :)
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