Still embarrassing...!

Several months ago, I published a post about the less-than-charming aspects of pregnancy, including wardrobe malfunctions, shameless cravings, butt massages, and farting.

I'm almost finished with this grand charade, but the embarrassing dynamics have yet to cease. In fact, I'm convinced that the bigger you get, the more humiliation you risk. Here's what I'm dealing with in these last few weeks:

Swelling.
During the second half of the last trimester, pregnant women gain approximately one pound per week. Half of it is the baby; the other half is water. And yes, people notice.

Today, I went to the doctor. She first glanced at my feet, said they weren't too swollen, and then looked up at my face. "Well, you definitely have some swelling in your nose!"

I beg your pardon, doc? How can my nose be swollen?! Needless to say, I've been a little self-conscious of my schnoz all day...

A few weeks ago, I was perusing Target with my mom when my feet became unbearably painful. They were swelling up too much in a pair of sandals I had chosen to wear that day. The shoes had to come off and I walked around the store barefoot. Yes, barefoot and pregnant. Lovely.

Farting.
It doesn't go away. It just doesn't.

Leakage.
Late pregnancy means living in constant fear that you will piss your pants. I've sneezed really hard and had to immediately run to the bathroom.

A while ago, I was on the phone with Roy when he made me laugh really hard. That laughter was directly followed by panic. "I gotta go I just peed my pants a little bye!" You know you're having a baby with someone when you have to own up to wetting your pants while you're completely sober.

Surprises.
I didn't know that beginning at 36 weeks, I would be getting a pelvic exam every week at the doctor. I've had to endure some pretty humbling moments at that office- getting a Rhogam shot in the behind, peeing in a cup at every single appointment, cursing out loud while a lab technician takes my blood- but not being prepared for a pelvic exam is outright unpleasant.

"Undress from the waist down and the doctor will be here in just a minute."
"Woah, wait. Undress..."
"From the waist down, yes. You'll be getting pelvic exams every week from now on."

I like going into the doctor's office knowing exactly what to expect. If a thin sheet of paper is going to be the only thing between my naked body and the world, I like to know ahead of time.

Needless to say, I had no reason to be nervous or embarrassed, but jeez! Warn a girl before you get so close and personal!


Pregnancy is everything people say it is. It's beautiful and amazing and intense. But it also presents multiple opportunities for embarrassment every day. My theory? It's all just preparation for when I have to stick my legs up in the air and let anyone in the room see my lady business. Pregnancy may be womanly, but it's certainly not lady-like.