Maybe Baby

Two days before the start of my senior year of high school, I went to a sleepover at a friend's house to enjoy a girls night and to watch the season premier of some stupid MTV show. Around midnight, a few of us started getting restless. I, being the rebellious one, elected to quietly get us out of the house and drive to Wal Mart. Four girls, including me, piled into my car. When we got there, half of them confessed that they wanted to buy pregnancy tests. I just wanted to buy candy...

After puberty, sexually-active girls are programmed to have a paranoia about pregnancy. If they happen to throw up one morning, the deal might as well be sealed. I have no idea why, but everyone thinks morning sickness is the surefire indicator of a bun in the oven. Heads up ladies: It doesn't only happen in the morning, and even if you do barf after breakfast, you may have just gotten a hold of a bad Pop Tart.

So I bought my Sour Patch Watermelon gummies while two of my cohorts nervously purchased pregnancy tests. I stood in the bathroom with them while they peed on the little sticks and feigned relief with them when the minus sign appeared. When they explained the reasons for prenatal paranoia, I had to muster control of every muscle in my face not to laugh. One girl hadn't done anything sexual in months; her "monthly bill" was just a couple days late.

Today I was flipping through the March issue of "Baby Talk" magazine when I came upon "5 Signs You Might Be Preggers." (That's seriously the headline.) "1) Sore breasts. 2) Fatigue. 3) Food cravings or aversions. 4) Constipation or bloating. 5) Super [sense of] smell."

Here's a sign you might be pregnant: You're reading "Baby Talk" magazine!

Only one definite way to determine pregnancy exists. You have to drive to the drug store, wander down the family planning aisle, choke down your pride while you pay for the test, go home and pee on it.

The human body is a miraculous thing. It's capable of performing countless functions on autopilot every minute of every day, but it's also not perfect. To any girl reading this: Do not make yourself panic. Women skip periods or throw up in the morning for any number of reasons. If you really think pregnancy is a possibility, then remain calm and do the practical thing.

I know plenty of girls who are just too scared. They're scared of buying the test, scared of using it, scared of the outcome. I understand that fear, but reality tends to be a bit more pressing. Contact me if you like. I'll go with you to buy a test. I'll do everything but pee on it for you, actually.